My emotions, my thoughts. They come in waves, they come in storms, they come in whirlwinds. I’m left to be consumed by them and with nothing but my phone I write what comes to mind, a spur of the moment kind of thing.
Clearing my old phone notes I came to find this.
With 7 (acoustic version) by Catfish and the Bottlemen playing through my head phones I’m staring out the window, watching the world around me move on by.
It’s a school excursion and I sit alone, nothing new. Now 7 has finished and another song from my August mixtape is playing, I’ve been listening to it on repeat. I can hear Glorious playing from the bus radio and the voices around me. I don’t mind this apart from that I’m suffering through a headache, the aftermath of a migraine from the day before. My ankle is also aching with my crutches resting on my legs.
Whenever I have moments like these I think too much, I contemplate life, I question my self-worth, I question everything within my life, within my soul. Today the weather isn’t helping, it’s overcast, it’s gloomy.
Friends, what are they? How do you know when you have them? I’ve been thinking about mine a lot lately, today is no exception.
I used to believe that I had a nice amount of friends, a large amount. The group that I hang out with, several from other groups in school and those outside of school through sport. It used to comfort me, it used to make me feel whole. Their gorgeous souls left me feeling the warmth I desired, but now I’m left feeling cold, anxious, invisible, alone.Things have changed or maybe it’s all in my head, I’m unsure.
Autopilot by Joe Fox is now playing, the world is still moving on by and the song is starting to relate a whole lot more to my current situation. I have to force back tears, my eyes growing heavy, watering. Thankfully no one is watching to ask if everything okay because I am no longer strong enough to pretend.
I sit alone knowing, believing that my friends are no longer my friends. They’re more acquaintances, we’re lost within ourselves. I’ve always been there for them, always. I pour my heart and soul into keeping them smiling, into keeping a genuine smile on their face. I do everything I can to be a good friend but there seems to be nothing left in return. I have to practically force myself into conversations, I feel ignored, I feel invisible, or I feel used. I know that I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I shouldn’t be bleeding myself dry. What leaves me thinking that maybe it is all in my head is because sometimes none of the above occurs, everything seems perfect, like the way it used to be.
I don’t know what to do anymore because I no longer know what to think, to feel. Whenever I need them most they’re not there, I’m constantly wearing a fake smile and they don’t seem to notice or care, I’m lost, I’m alone, I’m confused.
It’s affecting me way more than what it should be. It’s lowering my self-confidence, I don’t find joy like I used to, I lose inspiration quicker than I find it, I question my self-worth, I realise how much I currently need friends by my side. It’s impacting my school work, I have no motivation or energy to even care about it but yet I still care deeply.
I need friends, I need people to throw ideas around, to create everlasting memories, to feel at home in their presence but I get nothing. I’ve started having full conversations to myself that lead to no where in particular.
All my friendships seem one-sided. I know one of the few is toxic but I can’t escape, I can’t get out as it’s complicated. There is Dru who gives me everything I need but I’m still left questioning whether I’m worthy enough for her, I need her more than she needs me. My cousin is also there, however, she lives in Victoria, oh how I miss being in her company.
They say surround yourself with the people you love, the people who make you happy, the people who love you but how can I when the people I love I’m not sure love me back.
Oh, how they have no idea. I keep everything to myself, I struggle to open up but it’s gotten to the point now where I’m losing sleep over it, it’s at the point where I know I’m no longer okay. I’ve started to talk to myself (more than what I used to) when I’m alone to ease the pain, self-love has helped but it’s only gotten me so far. I’m conflicted, I’m a war zone.
I’m left with so many ideas I want to share, so many questions that I don’t know the answer to, so many thoughts I don’t want to be having.